omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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