so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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