his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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