I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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