I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Sober January is a disaster.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
