I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
