We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
