Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
