peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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