Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
