Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Boobs speak an international language.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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