I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
a search helicopter?!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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