Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
