I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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