she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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