Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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