i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
