can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
