Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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