she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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