At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
