Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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