i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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