Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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