My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
