apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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