Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
