I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
