chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You did what with his pubic hair?
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