3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
