nut hugger
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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