dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My balls are so social today.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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