I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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