next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
