Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
