I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
