you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
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