Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
