Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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