thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
