my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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