Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
