Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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