don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
