Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
