apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
