Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
