i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Still dying that you shit outside
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
