Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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