why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
