Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
