Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
